This show is full of laughs!!!
Before we get started with this recap of Monday night's "Bachelorette" premiere, featuring former Facebook employee Ali Fedotowsky, let's all make sure we're on the same page as the producers.
Career gal = baaaaad.
Woman desperate enough to find love that she'd go on a reality television show that will provide 25 (questionably) single guys, some of whom are guaranteed to humiliate her = SUPERSTAR!
Right, though? How many times did they have to make her re-iterate, over and over and over again, that she made the wrong choice with Jake Pavelka? That she should have stayed and sacrificed her entire career for just the chance of love, and because she didn't, she was punished with sad feelings. But now that she's accepted Chris Harrison as her Lord and Savior, she will be happy again, because jobs are for the weak and hair extensions are for the loved!
Moving on with her new perspective on love and new hair, Ali was ready to meet her men. But first, she had to play soccer by herself, try on a bunch of outfits in a wacky dressing room montage, walk on the beach and look pensive, then run into the ocean and splash around. I could practically hear the producer's voice in my head. "OK, now run over there! Now get in the water! Splash around! It's cold, so cold! Look cold! OK, now look at me, over your shoulder, and think about your dead grandmother! You miss her so much! Look sad!" Ali complied, because she's doing it for love.
Love of these fellas! Here's the rundown of some of the most notable dudes vying for Ali's heart:
Frank from Chicago: He says he used to be in mergers and acquisitions and owned a condo, but it wasn't making him happy, so now he lives at home with his parents and is an aspiring screenwriter. But his onscreen identifier says "Retail Manager," so do with that what you will. He was a fan of Ali on "The Bachelor." He exited the limo through the sunroof.
Craig M. from Toronto: Has deemed Ali worthy of him giving up the single life in Canada. Hair 1000%. Made a Vienna joke right off the bat.
Kyle from Colorado: His career is listed as "Outdoorsman." How much does that pay? Kyle also says he's not afraid of competing against 25 guys because, "I mean, I've killed a bear."
Justin, aka Mr. Rated R: He's a pro wrestler with a broken ankle and an adorable grandmother. All the other dudes think he's on the show for "THE WRONG REASONS" (to advance his career).
Jonathan: Weatherman. Uses weather puns.
Ty: Recently divorced, as in "a few months" recently. And inappropriately.
Chris L.: Former school teacher, mother recently passed away -- a fact he actively hides from Ali when she asks if his parents are still together (he said yes). I guess I can understand if he doesn't want a pity rose, but that's going to be an awkward conversation later. Anyway, he's ATTRACTIVE.
Roberto: Token ethnic dude (well, as ethnic as they get on "The Bachelorette"). He speaks Spanish and salsa dances.
Derrick: Tells himself "You're amazing" in the mirror, tells other human beings the story about how he got the nickname "Shooter" in college (more on this in a few).
John C.: Hm, all I wrote was, "yikes." That can't be good.
Kasey: Made a very sincere speech about protecting Ali's heart immediately upon their introduction. Too much, too soon?
Tyler M.: Wore cowboy boots with his suit because he was under the impression that Ali also wore cowboy boots when she got out of the limo on the Bachelor. He was, however, mistaken.
Jason: Back-flip off the roof of the limo.
Once inside the mansion, the guys accosted Ali. The first impression rose was up for grabs. Hunter played the ukelele and sang a little song introducing himself. It was cute. Derrick, or Shooter, told the story of how he received his nickname, and from what I inferred, it had to do with premature ejaculation. Ali's appropriate reaction? "What the f---?" Roberto and Ali danced. Kyle threatened to eat the first impression rose.
Harrison brought out a box for the guys to fill with their picks for the top 3 most insincere among them. Or, in other words, the men who weren't here "FOR THE RIGHT REASONS" (my fiance started counting how many times the phrase "for the right reasons" was uttered but stopped around eight). The guys were pumped, thinking whoever they voted for would automatically go home, but clearly they've never seen this show.
Everyone voted for Justin, who was "floored" by their apparent dislike for him, but Ali kept him around anyhow, giving him a rose. She also gave the first impression rose to Roberto.
That left 15 more roses to hand out, and they went to Jesse (from Peculiar, Missouri), Ty, Craig R. (forgettable), Tyler B., Steve (?), Chris L., Kirk (scrapbooker), John C. (fake proposed for alone time with a cubic zirconium), Chris N. (too many Chrises), Chris H. (too many Chrises), Hunter, Craig M., Jonathan and Kasey.
The outdoorsman, the cowboy boots guy, the backflip guy and appropriately, Shooter, all took an early exit from the competition.
Scenes from the rest of the season looked dramatic! Lots of tears, lots of confrontation, and a phone call from one of the guys' girlfriends (as in current, not ex).
-Cristina Kinon
